Thursday, May 7, 2009


Inceden# 10 “the scooter incident.”

Im sure allot of people are going to find this offensive but honestly I couldn't care less. Have you ever heard the saying “fat chicks are like scooters, their fun to ride until your friends catch you on them.” Well apparently its true. And listen here ladies I know you say the same shit about guys so don't try and pawn this off as men being pigs. I grew up with 5 girls, I know the fucking deal.

Any way so one warm summers night me, Snakes and Jp were sitting in the living room just relaxing, a little bit buzzed from a heavy night of drink. Suddenly we here what sounded like 12 people marching up our staircase to the door of our apartment. Tj comes flying into the room drunk as fucking possible with this chick. The thing about this chick is shes not your average chick, this was more like, I eat Mc Donalds 3 times a day kinda chick, I mean she was allot of woman. Tj comes walking up to me and say's “hey man you think you could sleep in the living room tonight.”

To this day there has never been a bigger shit eating grin on a mans face in all of history, until Tj asked me that question. I mean I was fucking glowing. I looked back at the guys and they were interrogating the girl, finding out where shes from, what she does ect. I look at snakes and catch his eye, he gives me a look like he just figured out the cure for cancer.

It was at that point that me and Sankes realized this will be the longest running joke we may ever have. So I took Tj into the other room and had a man talk with him
this is how it went

:note; im editing all the slurring out because I wouldn't even begin to know how to spell some of the words he was mispronouncing.

Me: Tj... I think this may be the one.
Tj: dude! I know, I mean I really know, this may be it, she might be the one.
Me: listen im gonna give you a piece of advice. Something that I really want you to take to heart.
Tj: ok...... ok what tell me.
Me: honestly tj this girl is too good for you.
Tj: I know man.
Me: tj the only way your going to be able to keep this girl is-
tj: how!?
(at this point I notice tj is drulling on himself.)
Me: is if you give her the best fuck of her life.
Tj: Hell yea! HELL YEA! WOOOO!

Tj then bolts out of the door, and behind him is me giggling like a little school.

Tj runs into the living room, grabs this chick by the arm and then pulls her across the house into our room. Snakes, Jp and I are standing there in shock questioning our selves when we suddenly start hearing kissing noises that sounded like a vacum cleaners trying to suck up a puddle. Now I know what your thinking... that probably wasn't kissing. Well thats what we thought until jp went to check. Jp flung the door open screaming go Tj go. Only to find Tj and the chick fully clothed laying on the floor.

I then ran into the room to see what was going on. Seeing them both completely cltherd made me very disappointed. I was really hoping so see some crazy love making. At this point I know what had to be done... the man nod. (the man nod is a head nod that means “lets do this shit”, with out even saying a word.) I give Tj the man nod and he gets a very serious look on his face, probably remembering the speech I just gave him.
Tj:guys.. I need to take care of some stuff.

Me and Jp return to the living room where we meet snakes. A few minets later, about 1/8 the way into king of the hill it begins. The sounds of love. The flopping, the smaking the suck, those dirty dirty sounds that make all of us want to throw up while laughing. The night rages on with moaning and screaming and all sorts of noises some of us didn't even know could be made by a human.

Finally it stops and we all go to bed. Of course I sleep on the coach.

I wake up early that morning and wake up the rest of the guys. We then sneak into my room and throw change at tj till he wakes from his drunken sex coma. When he comes to he doesn't realize theres any one in bed with him, until we point at her. He then looks over his shoulder and looks back at us. Tj looks at us with a the pailest face ive ever sceen. I mean that of a dead mans face.

Tj then flips out and wakes up his new soul mate, asking her who she is and what shes doing there. (We left the room at that point to give the two love birds some time to them selves). About 2 minuets later a shit storm happens and the chick comes huffing an puffing out of the room, flips us off and heads for the stairs. So what do we do? Of course we make fun of Tj. After about maybe thirty seconds of making fun of Tj she comes storming back in. She then grabs Tj out of his bad and forces him to drive her home (we took a cab to the bar and back that night, im guessing they did too). Of course we all back her up and tell Tj how immoral it would be for him not to drive her home.

The story pretty much ends here because Tj didn't talk to us for 2 weeks. After this incident.

But I can say Tj found a scooter, wasn't sure if he wanted to ride it, but after our talk, he not only rode the shit out of that scooter, but tried some new tricks on it too.

On the next prank wars, I get so pissed I break my hand, snakes gets trapped under a bed, Tj trys to fuck a buss, and Jp is no where to be found.


hey guys this is a friend of mine as well as a fellow blogger. She just posted up a video about Zombie Prom (an event at suny purchase). Not going to lie, its pretty freaken funny.

so check out this link to her video!

Link of death!

Hey every one this is a link that leads you to the cartoon i just made about suny purchase lacrosse.

I find it to ... Awesome. I hope you will too.

^ delicious

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Incident # 9 “no aim”

alright before I go into this incident I want you all to understand something about Jp and snakes. Jp and snakes have been living together since freshman year. Jp is the kinda guy who is fun to be around makes rediculess comments. He also thinks hes the man even though hes just a skinny black dude that sits on his bed all day and throws stuff at snakes. Snakes is a “nice guy” he's the kinda guy that you would just feel to bad for to ever beat up. He's also that guy thats always saying “I dont know guys, I dont think this is a very good idea.” and then you get him to do what ever your trying to do and hes all about it. Any way Jp and snakes fight like an old married couple and pretty much spend there whole day bothering each other and pissing each other off.

So now to the incident. One day snakes came to the bathroom and noticed that Jp had pissed all over the toilet seat... again...

now Jp doesn't really drink alcohol so he has no excuse for falling down in the bathroom and peeing all over every thing, like I frequently do. So what does snakes do? While Jp is sleeping snakes grabs jps socks and soaks up all the pee on the seat, and some left over in the toilet. Yea gross I know. Any way snakes then leaves the socks to dry next to Jp's bed. Jp later wakes up, realizes that hes late for class and puts on his socks. At this point the socks were dry (I guess) so he puts them on and storms out for class. Later Jp comes back and complains about how the girl sitting next to him changed seats and he couldn't figure out why. He then sits down on his bed and takes and off his shoes. After a few minuets of pointless conversation jp starts to ask us “what that smell is”. After about 10 minets of asking us if some one peed on the floor Jp realizes that his socks are full of pee. While snakes is enjoying a good laugh Jp takes his sock off, balls it up and hits snakes right in the mouth.

Since then Jp has been know as “pee foot” and Snakes has been known as “potty mouth.”

Incident # 10 “the jokes on Jimmy”

One day we sent Jp to the store to buy us some groceries. What does Jp return with? Jp returns with a Nerf gun that shoots balls. Now you have to understand, Jp is probably the most annoying person you could ever meet . I mean if you put any thing in his reach that he can throw, your going to eventually get hit in the face with it. So Jp has this gun, and every time we walk through the hallway to get any where we are shot in the face. And then it happened, snakes got hit in the eye. Snakes went in his room to grab a bag of chips and Jp shot all his ammo at snakes. The last shot his snakes in the eye. So pissed as all hell snakes picks up all the balls, goes to their bathroom and throws them all in the toilet. Completely offended by this, Jp goes to the bath room, takes the balls out of the toilet and begins to throw the balls at snakes. So what does snakes do, snakes grabs a cup, fills it with toilet water and throws it at Jp. So Jp retaliates by slapping snakes in the face. So snakes takes Jp's sandals and throws them in the toilet.

As im writing this ive realized that the biggest joke coming out of this prank is on me.. see 3 weeks ago I broke my last pair of sandals . Since im really not the biggest fan of shoes I went into Jp's room and took his sandals.

Being the cocky asshole that I am I made a bet with snakes that I wold be able to wear Jp's sandals the last 3 weeks of school with out him noticing. If I manage to wear them without Jp noticing I win 10 bucks. But in hindsight ive been wearing pee sandals for the last 3 weeks.

Fuck my life. Off to wash my feet.

PRANK WARS continued!

Incident# 6 facebook. “mass social sabotage”

While I was away at Uconn visiting friends my roommate Tj decided to change my facebook to interested- in men. My about me- I enjoy butt sex on a casual but daily basis, and all my favorite quotes were by Harvey milk and Telia Tequila.

Upon arriving back in purchase I came to find over 20 different notifications about my recent effort to come out of the closet.

Incident# 7 wings

Me and snakes went to Buffalo Wild Wings and got there hottest wings, the ones that you used to have to sign a waver for to eat. We brought them back to the kitchen while Tj and Jp weren't home. We left them open on the table in the middle of the room knowing that Jp and Tj would eat them with out asking. Snakes and I then took all of the drinks out of the kitchen and locked them in my room. I went to my room for a little while to look up some things on the pc. Upon arriving back into the kitchen I found Jp and tj both crying looking for something to drink. Then panicking because some one took all the drinks from the fridge.

They immediately begain to fight over who could put there head under the sink first.
Teach their asses to eat my wings.

An example of how hot these wings were_
Later that evening our friend scuba came over. So we told him we would give him 15 dollars if he ate all 6 wings in 2 minuets, and he wasn't allowed to drink anything during the bet or 15 min's after. Being the drunk that scuba is he took the bet. Once scuba ate 4 wings his body began to shake uncontrollably. We almost have had him stop because we were afraid he was going to have a seizure, but we figured we'd chance it.

The next day I saw scuba, Tj and Jp walking funny. They all had the same answer. They burned coming in, but they were lava coming out.

Incident# 8 fruit cup “the smelly disaster”

I found this rotten half open fruit cup in my car. I mean this thing was fucking disgusting. So what did I do, I left it on snakes and Jp's door while they were asleep. Now let me explain how disgusting this fruit cup was. It was so rotten it was actually eating its way through the plastic and would secret this thick sticky yellow green fluid all over the floor. So when snakes and Jp woke up they came to find there feet sticking to the floor every time they walked out of the room. I came home later that day after a hard day of work and sat down to play some Gears of War. While playing Gears my door slightly opens and im suddenly hit with the fruit cup. The nasty disgusting fruit cup .In shock at the terrible thing that just happened I knew there was only one thing to do, hit snakes with the fruit cup.

I hear snakes running to the stars and With out thinking I jump out of the second story window into a bush( half the house is built on a hill so it wasnt a long jump).Right as I get to the front door I see snakes with his back to me locking the door. He then turns around, sees me with the fruit cup and it happens the “im going to die look.” The look on snakes face was equal to a man meeting his death at gun point. Snakes just begins to mutter his first word I think it was “god”, when he's suddenly sprayed by chunks of fruit and old yellow green syrup. See when I threw the cup of fruit, I guess it caught wind and made the cup spray the fruit all over him. Snakes, speechless as to how I even made it out side sat down on the steps and absorbed the fact of how badly he had just got owned.

Later that day I went grocery shopping and when I got to the door I noticed a human shaped sticky green and yellow out line.

Kinda like the cartoons.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


During my four years in college ive learned allot of things. Some things usful in life, others that arnt at all, and then a few other things that I may go to hell for. And last summer was probably the beginning of what might be one of the greatest and worst times of my life.

It all started with a container of rotten milk in my fridge. See I found this container of rotten milk in my fridge and I thought to my self, man it would be funny if I left this on snakes and Jp's door the (people I shared an apartment with in Portchester). So I leave the milk on there door knob. Next thing I know my door is swung open and a carton of milk is spiked on my floor. So I pick up the carton of milk and have my roommate Tj open their door so I can spike it down in there room . After nailing their room with rotten milk me and Tj begin our retreat back to our room, but before we can make it to our room snakes runs out of his room and chases us down the apartment hall to the kitchen.. snakes corners me and we share a good laugh until he unexpectedly chucks the milk at me and it explodes all over my face. So with curdled lumpy milk all over my face I begin to chase snakes down the hallway holding the container. Snakes makes it to his room door and right as hes opening it I throw the carton of milk with all my might at him. It misses him hits his door, sprays all over him and then flys into his room, covering his wall, his dresser and all the clothing on top of it. I retreat back to my room and lock my door. I hear snakes and Tj going at it, but at this point I smelled so bad of rotten milk I had to take a shower before I began to vomit. Later some one opens the door to my room and enters. The light turns on and its jay, covered in clumps of white gooey milk. Jay takes one look at me and says “its on.”

And this was the beginning of prank wars.

(before you read this I just want you all to know that these pranks get progressively worse and near the end of these story's you may find yourself very offended.

Incident #1 coffee cup “friendly fire.”

I walked into jp's and snakes room with a rotten cup of coffee. I came to find jp by himself sleeping in his bed. So I placed the coffee cup next to Jp so it would pour on him when he shifted position.

I later came back to jp and snakes room to find snakes screaming at jp for apparently pouring a cup of coffee all over snakes bed. Apparently Jp thought that snakes left the coffee on his bed for not helping him with the milk carton incident.

This is what I like to call “friendly fire.”

Incident #2 the hidden dinosaur. “the war at home”

My mom came to visit me and decided to see how messy my room had already become after only living in it for 3 weeks. What I didn't know was that Jp and snakes had placed a robot toy dinosaur in my room that kept walking around the room, repeating phrases about how much I like to suck dick. My mother was very pleased.

Due to this my mother had a long talk with me about how its ok to be gay, and how she was suspicious when I choose Suny Purchase over Uconn. I still dont understand how a talking dinosaur could sway my mom to thinking im gay, but no cable modem commercial couldn't sway her to thinking that cabel is faster than 56k.

Incident # 3 number switch. “revenge against the drunk dial idiot”

snakes and I managed to get our hands on jp's phone long enough to switch his moms number with a girl he was trying to hook up with. Since jp's a terrible at picking up women and liked to drunk dial the girls he likes, jp ended up asking his mother out on a romantic date. He also asked her if she wanted to have sex with him before and or after dinner.

To this day we still don't know her answer.

Incident#4 socks incident “sticky fingers leave no prints.”

this wasn't really a prank, jp just stole a brand new pack of socks from my room and it really pissed me off.
But it certainly fueled the on coming revenge.

Incident #5 dinning hall “a cock is worth 1000 words”

while snakes was asleep I drew all over his face, then woke him up and rushed him to go to the dinning hall with me. We went at 6:00 on a Friday night, During ice cream night (basically the busiest day and time at the dinning hall) so after talking to just about every person snakes knows at school, one off the dinning hall cooks asked snakes what his face paintings represented.

I still wonder what else a cock on the fore head represent other than a cock on the forehead.


Sunday, May 3, 2009

swine flue

Terrible things that have happened, could happened and are happening.

Aids, Durfor, starving small country's,Great Irish Famine, Katrina,planes hitting towers, cars with enough explosives in them to evaporate a small lake, Qing-dynasty China, tsunami of 2004, so many nukes not even a cock roach could survive if they all went off,Tibet, Azerbaijani Khoja, drunk driving deaths, cancer, teen suicides, alcoholism, rapist, Ted Bundy, Columbia drug lords, the zeppelin, the titanic, earthquakes, troops over sea's, harpies, H.I.V, Diabetes, satellites falling from the sky, the horrible band U2, thousands of Americans loosing there jobs, the depression, the past depressions, the recession, hungry children, WWI, WWII, nuking japan, the Saddam gassing's, War of the Three Kingdoms, Russian Empire,crack addicts, Ottoman Empire (Turkey), Turkish Denial, holocaust and much much more.

These are all terrible things that have happened, could happen again, and or are happening.

so lets recap some of the things that are going on. there are 15244 deaths per year, 1270 per month, 293 per week, 41 per day, 1 per hour due to Aids.

over 30000 people commit suicide per year, 50000 of them are teens.

4832 deaths this year (2009) from drunk driving, 36 people die a day and 700 people are injured every day from drunk driving.

there are over 2 million starving children in the us alone....

And were worried about the swine flue?